If only I too had been born in Connecticut or Virginia, [...]
- From How the García Girls Lost Their Accents by Julia Alvarez, 94-95.
I came across this quote in a book I am reading for my upcoming Spanish exam and it stuck with me. As you all know, I am not a native English speaker. I started learning the language in 5th grade, when I was 10 years old, like most Germans nowadays. I did not particularly like English nor did I do well in it for the first five years, but at some point, it just clicked and I started enjoying the language.
My neighbors were from England, and they had a subscription to Sky (UK television). Every week I would drop off a video tape with them, they would tape Buffy the Vampire Slayer for me, and I would pick it up the next day. I think that was the turning point. I started watching movies in English, and reading books in English (when the original version was in English), and I started enjoying the language. I never enjoyed sitting down and actually studying grammar or vocabulary, but at some point I didn’t have to do that anymore. I developed a feeling for what was right (though I obviously still make mistakes) and I would learn new vocabulary automatically, just by watching movies and reading books in English.
In 2001, I started keeping an online journal on LiveJournal, and from the beginning I wrote that in English. I have always blogged in English. Blogging in German feels unnatural to me, I’ve tried. Sometimes I feel more comfortable speaking in English about some things, which is why I chose to write my thesis in English, and take my English exams entirely in English, even though I don’t have to. I figure that if the primary and secondary literature is in English, it is easier for me to stay in the language, than having to awkwardly translate into German. And trust me, it would be awkward – I am not good at spontaneously translating into idiomatic German because when I read a text in English, I think in English too.
But regardless of how much English I integrate into my life, my English is not perfect and it never will be. When I read old blog posts of mine from a few years ago, I can see that my English has vastly improved, especially over the past six years, but there are so many idiomatic expressions I come across in other blogs, or in books that make me think, “huh, you know that sounds really good, maybe I should try using that expression sometimes.” And sometimes that’s what ends up happening, a lot of times I just forget about the expression until the next time I come across it.
There are so many things I don’t get. Puns, jokes, cultural references. Thanks to movies and TV, thanks to the internet and to bloggers like you, I understand many of them, and I am constantly understanding more. I used to have a t-shirt that I bought in the States. It said Monkey Bars, and it depicted some monkeys sitting at a bar. One day I was wearing it, when I was on an excursion with a bunch of American exchange students, and one of them said something about my t-shirt, when someone said, “don’t you get it? Monkey bars?” And he was like, “oh yeah, duh!” I was thinking, “what the hell are they talking about?” Back home, I looked up monkey bars and found out what monkey bars are. I did not know. I had no idea how funny the t-shirt I was wearing was. And thank God, monkey bars did not mean anything awkward. That would have really been embarrassing. I didn’t let on that I didn’t get the pun either, and I doubt they noticed, but I did. And years later, I still remember it as one of those situations that reminded me of reality.
No matter how fluent my English is, how good my accent is, how many compliments I get, I am not an English native speaker. I am not American. And no matter what I do, I never will be. And sometimes that makes me feel like I am pretending. Imitating someone else. Not being real. And that even wanting to speak English as well as a native speaker is a ridiculous goal, because it cannot be achieved. I wonder if native speakers secretly laugh at me because they think I am pretending to be something I am not. Be part of something I don’t belong to. When really, I do truly love the English language, and that is why I love speaking it, hearing it, writing it, reading it. I loved living in the United States, and I feel at home in the American culture (well, for the most part, anyway), so I do seek it out. I like making friends with (nice!) Americans, I like speaking English with my American friends, and I like to have little things in my life that are American.
And that is part of me. It is who I am. Who I really am. Some people may not understand it, some may not like it. But it is me, and doesn’t that make it real?
I think looking back on blogs from years ago can be really empowering – not just with language but just to see all sorts of personal growth! I love your last sentence. I feel that way sometimes when people from back home comment on me losing my accent a little bit – it kind of hurts a bit because it’s not something I can control. I can control how patriotic I am and how proud I remain of my heritage and country – but I cannot control something like that. And some people may pass judgment or feel the need to make a comment, but you’re absolutely right – it doesn’t matter, as long as you stay true to yourself, and real!
Yeah, I’d imagine that it’s very hard to keep an accent when you have lived abroad for so long. I have made the experience that I usually only get told that I could pass for an American by Americans who have lived in Germany for very long, while those who don’t live here, or only moved here recently, tell me I have a slight accent. Makes me think that if you live in a country for very long, maybe you sort of get used to a slight accent and lose the ability to hear when someone only has a very slight accent. I think your losing the English accent (or gaining a Canadian accent!) is probably something similar, it just happens very slowly, very gradually, and you may not even notice.
I usually roll my eyes at Germans who start speaking with an American accent after living in the States for very long (after all, there they are not speaking a different dialect of German, but an entirely different language) but I would not find it weird at all to adapt to a local accent/dialect of your own language after a few years of living in a specific place.
I completely “got” this post, K, because I feel exactly the same in so many regards. Sometimes I feel awkward using idioms because it makes me feel like I am pretending to be something that I am obviously not … ( I even cringe sometimes when other Germans, whose English is not as good as mine (without wanting to be snobby) use slang/idiomatic phrases and I think “wow, you’re so cool, aren’t you?”)…. I don’t know, it’s very difficult to totally immerse yourself in a different language/culture without overdoing it and feeling “fake”, isn’t it. And I say that even though I have lived in the US for 8 years now.
Strange.
.-= san’s last blog post: Recognizing the good things =-.
Absolutely! When I hear Germans who don’t speak English well use idiomatic expressions, sometimes it just sounds so unnatural, and totally out of place. And I have to admit, I totally used to do that as well. Of course I was not aware of it at the time, but I am now, looking back at old LJ posts.
You know, I was really curious to see what you (and maybe/hopefully Stef) have to say about it, being that you are also German but also very immersed in the language (even more so than I am because you actually live in the States). I don’t know anyone living in Germany who is like me in that regard, which makes me feel even weirder.
You know what is the WEIRDEST thing? When I meet other Germans here and they “refuse” to speak German to me… even though they know I am German (I think writing/commenting in English here on our blogs, even though we’re both German, is a slightly different thing)… anyway, I meet these Germans, who try so hard to pass as Americans and they have the thickest accent ever. It’s rather ridiculous.
Sometimes people don’t notice (or don’t say anything about) my slight German accent or they think it’s a different (English) accent, but not typically German and sometimes the first question someone asks me is “Where are you from?”… it’s strange that even native speakers obvioulsy “hear” things differently.
.-= san’s last blog post: Recognizing the good things =-.
Hahaha, that would be too weird. I’ve had something similar happen to me in Spain. In the grocery store, I would be at the check out, speaking Spanish when the cashier replied to me in her really horrible English. I then replied to her in English and she didn’t understand me. Sure, my Spanish isn’t the best, but at any rate, it was still better than her English. I am not sure I have had a German insist on speaking English with me before, at least not like that (some have because they mistook me for an American).
As for the blogging/commenting, writing in German would simply exclude a lot of people from being able to read posts/comments, so I agree that it is something different. I think that would be closer to two Germans speaking German in company of others who don’t understand them (even though in the case of comments, their involvement in the conversation is only passive).
Love this post in so many ways! Here is a short anecdote from tonight’s BBQ which I have to share with you. We were talking about how my husband and I were stationed in Germany…
Guy #1: “Germans are hot!”
Me: “Good thing you mentioned that because I am German.”
Girl (an American who, at that point, was thinking that I have some sort of German ancestors): “Cool. I am part German.”
I just smile and we continue talking about traveling through Europe…
Me: “We actually went to Spain, Italy… but my husband was deployed almost half the time we were there.”
Girl (who obviously still thought I was American): “So did you go back to the US to be with family while he was deployed.”
Me: “No, no. I am from Germany. Like all the way. My family lives there.”
Girl: “Oh, you don’t have an accent at all.”
Guy #2: “I noticed something was different. But I couldn’t figure it out.”
Me: “Wait till I am nervous. Then you can tell.”
Most of the time people notice a slight accent but usually they think I am from a different state or Canada. While my vocabulary is not the greatest (sometimes I am surprised by how many words you and San know!), I believe that my pronunciation is quite good and usually I can blend in really well without anyone ever noticing that English is not my native language. And quite honestly, I love it! It makes me feel special in a way.
I love the English language and everything about the American culture just like you. When I first came here in 2001, I felt home and completely comfortable. I had always wanted to be like an American but, just like you, I never will and I get that BUT I try to do everything to feel American because this is the country I live in and I love it here.
.-= Stefanie’s last blog post: This summer is for… =-.
Thanks for your comment, Stef! Love your anecdote. I am pretty sure I have had a conversation like that with an American before as well. It’s kind of amusing how Americans will call themselves German because they have (partial) German heritage.
I had a conversation similar to yours with one of the Marines at the US Consulate on my last day there. I told her it was my last day and I was leaving Munich (or something like that) and she asked me whether I would be coming back to Germany. So I told her I was not actually leaving Germany, I am German and I’m just going back to Heidelberg because classes were starting again the next week. The only way I can make sense of the conversation is that she must’ve thought I was American, and going back to the States. And like you, I love that. I take it as a huge compliment and it does make me a little proud (even though when someone asks me how I got rid of my German accent, I cannot tell them because I never actually tried to, it just happened) and feel special, like you, but I think a lot of people easily mistake that for me showing off or being smug. (Germans, not usually Americans.)
I absolutely understand how you feel. It seems we are a lot alike in that regard, except you sort of have a better excuse for how you feel what with you being married to an American and actually living there.
But you know, I think I just need to accept that others may not understand how I feel, because I know that it’s not me trying to be someone else, so in a way I can’t help it. It’s part of me, and it’s not fake. Pretending I don’t feel so at home in the American culture and language would be.
And I am really happy that someone else feels the same way about all this.
I don’t think it has anything to do with pretending or being fake. It’s not like you use American English to sound “cool” like many other Germans do. But I know what you mean because sometimes I feel like that as well even tough I am a lot less immersed in the language than you and I kind of feel like I am losing the grip on it more and more (which kind of sucks :().
You know I have this theory that if you are strongly drawn to languages/cultures/places without being able to explain it it’s because you had to do with in a former life. I totally believe you used to be American so this is just part of a former you coming through :)
Well, that sure would explain a lot. Haha.
As for you losing the grip on the English language, why do you think that is? Do you think you are doing something differently now than a few years ago? (Is there anything you could do to stop it from happening?)
I feel exactly like you here, and I don’t think it’s a matter of being fake if you speak English well and also with a certain accent. I think it’s actually a gift that not many have, to be able to speak a foreign language and to be able to immerse yourself so much that not only you think in that language (I think that comes natural after a while), but you can also get a specific accent.
It happens to me all the time. When in New York, my room mate was British, and since I was hanging out with her a lot, I picked up this posh British accent without even realising, and people would not even believe I was Italian!
It even happened in Ireland, which I found funny because I didn’t like the accent at all, and found it so hard to understand, let alone faking it.
Now I’m in Australia, and I’ve got this funny accent because I hang out with Americans and Aussies, so it’s like a mix… But definitely no one can guess I’m Italian. Which I partly like, because Italians have such a horrible way of speaking English!
And I don’t do it on purpose. It’s like I’m imitating the way people speak, but not realising it, if you know what I mean.
So, like… We’re not fake. We’re totally cool! ;)
.-= Stefania’s last blog post: 31/12/2009 =-.
You are right that it is a gift to be able to speak a foreign language without an accent. That is so funny you picked up your English roommate’s accent. I am always worried that if I move to another English speaking country than the US or Canada, I will eventually end up with an English accent, etc. I like my American accent and I want to keep it. But I even notice when I speak with my Japanese roommate that I sound less American, because I adapt to him and he would have an even harder time understanding me if I spoke like I would with a native speaker.
You know, the German accent isn’t really one to be proud of either, as a strong German accent sounds pretty horrible as well, but I know what you mean about the Italian one, I remember an Italian guy in my Catalan class when I lived in BCN. When he spoke Spanish, he kept the Italian intonation and you could barely tell he was speaking Spanish, not Italian, because it sounded so Italian (though an Italian accent is better than a German one any day!).
Reading all these comments above, it seems like there are more people out there in the world like you – and me. Because this post could have been written by me, too… Though I’ve never been to the USA, but frequently to the UK. However, if you hear me speaking you’ll hear a strong American English pronounciation. I suppose this is due to the fact that so many movies star American actors and that the computer programme that I used during school had mainly American English speakers. However, reading what I write I’m more the British English speaker… I suppose that’s quite a mix.
Have a nice week…
.-= Deia’s last blog post: Country Portrait: Italy =-.
Yeah, I decided to go with American English at some point. In high school we were primarily taught British English but I prefer American English, and as consistency is important (in exams, papers, etc), when I started university, I went with American English. That is what I was speaking anyway. Now it would just seem odd to me to use British spelling and I cannot do an English accent for the life of me.